Susan Pomfret
Republished February 2024
(A Toastmasters Project)
Originally published in Forte 2018-2019
It’s a tale as old as time. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is only skin-deep. Don’t judge a book by its cover. On some level, we all know that the most beautiful people are not necessarily the ones we love the most. Nor are they necessarily the most intelligent, the kindest or the most socially aware. Beautiful people are good to look at. As human beings intellectually programmed to appreciate art, we can’t help but admire beauty in a purely aesthetic sense.
There are physical manifestations of aging that can’t be avoided, although some blessed women have seemingly ageless genes. Most of us? Not so much. We lose collagen and elasticity. Facial muscles droop. Permanent wrinkles develop. Let’s be honest. Compared to the way we’ve always regarded ourselves in the mirror, this is not feelin’ pretty time. I think most women address this uncomfortable process at some point. The least possible amount of time worrying about it is the goal here.
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Humility is a wonderful thing. I’m not talking about the grovelling, ass-kissing, Uriah Heep kind of humility. I’m talking about the kind of humility that comes from confidence in yourself and the understanding of your own strengths, the kind of humility that isn’t afraid to admit that you can’t possibly know everything. Humility opens your mind to the wisdom of others. The Cambridge English dictionary defines humility as the “quality of not being proud because you are aware of your bad qualities”. Nope, that's not quite it. Google defines it as, “a modest or low view of one’s own importance.” Uh-uh. The Urban Dictionary says, “True humility is to recognize your value and others’ value while looking up. It is to see there is far greater than ourself into who we can become, who others can become, and how much more we can do and be.” The verbiage is a little convoluted, but definitely more on point.
Anyone who has spent time in a hierarchy has probably encountered the type of person who is intoxicated by their own power when granted the role of managing others. This person revels in being “the boss”. They may feel a strong need to control and might micro-manage ad nauseam. In an effort to portray confident and capable leadership, they may not be willing to admit to shortfalls, and worse, they may make decisions without consulting their team. There are also those despicable sorts who do listen to the team and incorporate their ideas, but then take all the credit for the initiative. All of these behaviours are anathema to building a loyal and successful team. An article penned by Bill Taylor in the Harvard Business Review in 2018 offered up this insight: “Edgar Schein, professor emeritus at MIT Sloan School of Management, and an expert on leadership and culture, once asked a group of his students what it means to be promoted to the rank of manager. They said without hesitation, 'It means I can now tell others what to do.' Those are the roots of the know-it-all style of leadership. “Deep down, many of us believe that if you are not winning, you are losing,” Schein warns. The “tacit assumption” among executives “is that life is fundamentally and always a competition”, not just between companies, but also between individuals within companies. That’s not exactly a mindset that recognizes the virtues of humility.”
Ridding society of these unproductive interactions is what the empowerment movement is all about. It’s a mind-shift that requires self confidence at its very core, and it’s an essential element of a mutually supportive community. We all have different backgrounds, experiences and perspectives. We need the confidence to share the wisdom we’ve gained and embrace the wisdom of those who have walked a different path. The really cool thing about it is that striving towards and practicing confident interactions will empower you in ways you never imagined.
Have you ever read the story of Candide? Published by Voltaire in 1759, the satire spins the tale of an optimistic young man who embarks on his life’s journey believing his teacher’s philosophy that everything in life happens for the best. His faith gradually erodes as he and his companions endure an endless wave of horrendous catastrophes until he finally decides that he can no longer rationalize the tenets of his learning with the realities of life. Today, when we’re steadily besieged with social media messages to think positive, we can still find some truth in the tale of Candide. Not to say that there isn’t great merit in positive thinking. We should definitely try to find joy in the small things, be grateful for what we have and share our positivity with others whenever possible. To be stoic in the face of adversity is no small achievement.
How often have you seen one of those memes that says, “I don’t want much. I just want to be happy.” Being happy isn’t “much”? What nonsense. Being happy is huge. Enormous.
Aristotle used the term “eudemonia” to signify the contented state of being healthy and happy. Other readings indicate that “flourishing and prosperous” may be a better translation of the Greek word than “healthy and happy”. Either way, yes please. We want that. We’re not greedy, you understand. We don’t want it ALL THE TIME, just most of the time, so our sum total of positivity puts us comfortably on the “satisfied” rather than the “miserable” scale. Putting aside the fact that “eudemonia” rather sounds like a disease, how do we achieve it? Science says that genetics play a huge part in our happiness quotient. We are by nature either optimists or pessimists, and that raw material is responsible for 50% of our emotional state. Within that basic infrastructure, we are all subject to varying degrees of what is called “trait neuroticism”. Those with high TN are more sensitive to stress, experience it more often and more intensely, and take longer to recover than their low TN counterparts. What all that means is that we’re not on a level playing field. Some of us have a significant head start when it comes to chasing that bluebird of happiness.
Let’s revisit Aristotle for a moment. Eudemonia is “healthy and happy” or “flourishing and prosperous”. Is Healthy an attitude? Flourishing? Prosperous? Nope. Those are in the 10% circumstances category. Aristotle lived a long time ago in a different world, but he was all about goals and his wisdom is still relevant today. He offered that the purpose of human life is to achieve the end goal, namely living a good life. One does that by acquiring all the things one needs to flourish and prosper on the physical, intellectual and moral planes. One needs luck to pull that off, and health. In Aristotle’s world, one also needed to be a male of a certain social class to live a good life. Women, children, persons of low standing, servants and slaves were property and therefore unable to acquire the necessary virtues. Thankfully that part is no longer relevant. Let's throw all these wise words from scientists and psychologists and philosophers into a blender, and give it a whirl. This is what they’re telling us.
What, you may ask, became of Candide?
He and a tribe of friends withdrew from society and moved to the country, turning away from the “all is for the best” philosophy of the time. They cultivated gardens and busied themselves with work to build a community. They were happy.
Mid-winter is also prime season for sickness. Coughs, colds and flu bugs knock us down like dominos at every turn. As if all of that isn’t enough, we’re also more prone to musculoskeletal injuries in the winter because our muscles and connective tissues have less elasticity in the cold than they do in warmer climes. The lengthening days do offer a glimmer of hope, but we know that we still have to get through March and, if this year is anything like the last couple of years, possibly much of April as well before we can inhale the first wafts of spring.
SAD can have a major impact on our psyche since it’s more than a simple case of the “winter blahs”. Many of the symptoms work together to create an oppressive climate of lethargy. Depression, anxiety, fatique, excessive sleep, lack of motivation, feelings of hopelessness, difficulty concentrating, withdrawal from social activities and appetite disruptions hardly inspire a quality lifestyle. Although SAD can also lead to nausea and loss of appetite, overeating is a more common phenomena, particularly with cravings for the refined foods you may generally avoid like processed carbs and sweet or salty snacks. These indulgences can lead to weight gain which exacerbates the problem.
If, on the other hand, you are struggling mightily with the February blahs and don’t feel that your condition warrants medical help, there are a few things you can do to try to keep your life on track until winter comes to its long-awaited end. Even without a clinical SAD diagnosis, you may be experiencing depression, excessive sleep or insomnia, lack of motivation and eating disruptions.
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